zhenkaini

2012-01-28T00:05:00.004+08:00

maybe, its not just me, alone.
maybe, he's just "shopping" for a girl
maybe, he's drunk
maybe, its all make up stories
maybe, its painful
maybe, im just numb
maybe, he finally got wat he always wanted
maybe, i just wanna get distracted

............

today i wish i was being call up for long flight. i dont wanna stay in singapore. its his 25th bday. i wanna get distracted. pls... i must keep myself bz i must find things to do

i dont know wheres my relationship heading. but i think nigel knows. i hate the fact that im torturing him and he has to endure the treatment. i love him but it not enough. i cant push my love anymore, its my max. but i know i have so much more to give. i cant. i cant do this =( i cant be tt selfish. im not ready aft so many yrs. im worried its a rebound relationship, i tried not to think about it.

sometime i feel stressed when i know i cant afford to make another mistake.

its me, always me. im the cause.

2012-01-27T03:52:00.002+08:00

i dun wanna lift myself up and get throw down flat on my face cos it will hurts and realise tts all the wishful thinking. its not happening.

2012-01-26T21:32:00.002+08:00

i think it kinda contradicting when people tells me one thing and i see other thing... i have doubts in the words projected. yet, i wish i can believe every single words ones says.

im gonna be cool and calm myself down cos i think my heart might skip a beat. "if only u mean wat u say." i thought to myself.

miss u.

2012-01-24T03:13:00.003+08:00

Here's some of the qns that i found on this blog(http://motifsonthewall.blogspot.com/).

Qns:Do you ever truly get over the most intense relationship in your life?
Ans:No

Qns:Has the person you love more than anything in the world left you?
Ans: Yes

Qns:Did the two of you break up?
Ans: Yes

Qns:Have you been dumped, slighted, walked out on, or deserted for another?
Ans: i screwed up

Qns:Does your heart ache and ache endlessly?
Ans: Yes

Qns: Have you lost sleep, your appetite, or even your job?
Ans: definitely not job, but i used to lost sleep n appetite.

Qns: Are you caught in the grief?
Ans: yes

Qns: You always remember the love which gave you the most happiness, that person who swept you off your feet?
Ans: Yes

Qns: Even though your relationship came to an end, is it ever possible to forget?
Ans: not possible to forget it completely

Qns: Can you move on completely, or do you compare all future relationships to your "special" love?
Ans: At times i try not to compare...

**********************************

i felt like home the other day, been so long... laughters joys tears in the house.. i have offers but i reject it. i dont regret it. we were young n silly, met each other at the wrong time. they say that when you find " The One", you know straight away. i knew it, but i blew it away.

2012-01-20T09:32:00.002+08:00

im back @ home. legs is so tired~!!!! anyway i came across this page, it says:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gainman

i cant help but agree more to it. kinda can relate to it. Love is a scary emotional thing, it lifts u up and throw u down real hard unexpectedly.

2012-01-19T05:32:00.001+08:00

Gotta knock out soon. Good night Paris. Hope to see u soon.

2012-01-17T17:24:00.000+08:00

i wanna be happy in the city of love............

2012-01-14T21:11:00.005+08:00

hello,

im suppose to be asleep now cos i gotta wake up at 0340 to prepare for flight. damn early, i know right?

anyway i was home the whole day, was doing spring cleaning. so i was cleaning up my makeup area when i found this harmless purse of mine.

i decided to open up to check out wats inside the purse, first it was a stack of namecards, one by one i threw away those unless ones, the other side of the purse i saw pictures of myself when i was younger. out of curiosity, i took out the whole stack of it again and i saw this.

i stoned for a while and i arranged it like that, too free already. den i snapped out of my memories and continued occupied myself with other chores.

saw the line there? obvious isnt it? even my bum2 also have it =( damn itchy like mosquito bite. i dont know what happen either, some says its hive, others says allergies, i suspect bed bugs, mummy suspect baterias.. well, anyway, im gonna go se doctor tml aft flight. hopefully they can prescribe me cream to apply on.

2012-01-07T02:56:00.002+08:00

hello there,

im currently in johannesburg. oh ya! happy new year!!!

i tried to try to make things work... but i dont know why its still not working out for me =(

Bless me.

i wanna have stable emotion thru the year.

2011-12-31T01:00:00.002+08:00

Hi,

this year im gonna spend my NY on board with the korean. pls bless me with nice crews. just came back from tau huey with Zhihui n Mello.

this whole year:

pass my P
secure a career
Learn to not think too much
Keep myself very occupied
thankful that i have a secure relationship
Holidays
reward mysef a gucci wallet

Next yr:

be a better person
G-12 Canon
more holidays

2011-12-23T04:23:00.003+08:00

Thank goodness i have my Batchie on flight, at least i hang out with her. i was expecting myself to splurge on clothes in Primark, however i came out to a bill of 37Pound =)

we went:
Primark (37pound)
Gold mine
A shopping center near Gold Mine (didnt notice the shopping mall name)
La Senza (50% off, wohooo!!!! 57Pound)
Harrods (CPS birthday present)
Winter Funfair

i think that dating in funfair is kinda romantic too.

whats goes around comes around.

Flights are kinda bad recently.... yea, i got too much nice crews that i guess its a nasty crews season. these people really spoiling market, however i tell myself, these are the people that will make me be stronger than ever.

one day, i will get promoted and u will still be where u r now. watch your back pls =)

2011-12-20T06:03:00.002+08:00

hi... im here in london. i've been repeating the same song over and over again. here's the lyrics:

Get It Right lyrics

What have I done? I wish I could run.
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight.

i didnt not sleep thru the flight was having movie marathon and doing some homework...now im officially GMT -2 no point changing back the time cos after my london flight im going Zurich! gonna spend my white xmas there. how nice is it? then again i might just hibernate in my room.

2011-12-19T00:54:00.002+08:00

lets see,

i did 2 hgk turn n 1 adl within a day, i tot it will get worse but..... i got activated to pax up london!!! wohoo! never smell london for the longest time! gonna shop till i drop!!! i havent start packing, probably concuss on flight since im not the sort who can sit still on plane =) time pass faster when im working than paxing.

london eh!!!!

2011-12-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

my picture looks good when you're next to me. now its just a dusty shelf.

2yrs ago....and its still unchanged.

2011-12-14T09:32:00.005+08:00

Good day mate!

im here in Adelaide. im so tired and im strugglin to keep my eyes open, i need toothpick now. anyway flight was alright, except that Red is kinda naggy etc, and yes im on check. i sensed it before i even went for flight. i hate the feeling on being called up and yet still get check. well, what's new? oh ya! i was trying to help a business class pax to push the bi fold lavatory and end up my middle finger kana "kiap" in the middle, trust me, its so painful. even until now if i were to touch it, its so painful, im worry it might be internal bleeding *bubu look*

so i brought my friend along this time, at least got sleepy smell and my lavender shower gel to destress. LOL!

just my bag i have a few stitch such as: my schedule book aka homework book, torch light, iphone cover and sweet.

cant wait to go back singapore to catch up with zhihui and melody =)

2011-12-13T00:08:00.003+08:00

i got activated for Adelaide and it disrupted my hong kong.. oh man, equally bad. gotta embrace it!

i have a few errands to run later in the day. first im gonna go far east shopping center to pick up my kebaya, drop by Gf office to pass her xmas gift..

i feel very secure with Bf. he doesnt club,drink, or cheat on me. Thanks for blessing me an awesome bf. i dont think i will ever find someone like him too.

thanks for loving me, knowing tat u definitely love me more than i do.
thanks for not wanting to know anything about my past and just be happy with each other

thanks for everything you've done for me.

True Friend

they are like relationship, they can lift you up and throw you down. they listened to your problem and a pillar of support. i still think it sucks when friend come in a package of relationship.

relationship involved 2 people 2 hearts. but friend is an addition to the relationship, very often than not, they give us opinions and advise when come to the person we date. seems like friend "help" to decide whether to go for it or not to go for it. hello?! its not like your friend is the one dating on your behalf. well, it kinda irritating. whatever it is, follow your heart and not your mind.

i do check out your blog =)

2011-12-11T22:11:00.003+08:00

just got back from work about 4hrs ago, my legs is breaking.... =( Hgk turn today and less than 1 week time another Hgk turn. omg~! anyway was on the cab on the way home, driver reminded me that tml cab fare increasing! Holy Cow!!! it totally slips pass my mind, time to embrace expensive cab fare.

no nice roster to look forward to this month. next mth i have Paris!!! wohoo, not the shopping part however is the walking part.... whenever people asked me which is my favorite country, it gotta be PAReee!!!! country of LOVEss.

here's my overall "Awesome" Flight which i want to give away.

12: off
13-14: standby
15 : off
16: HGK turn turn teng teng 0730 rpting~
17: off
18-19: CGK NS
20: Off
21-23: Shitney
xmas eve: Hohohoho~
xmas - 29: ZRH white xmas w me n stitch so lomatic

i want longer flight =(

you know where to find me......

2011-12-11T00:23:00.005+08:00

hi blog,

its been a while. i know im suppose to sleep now but i cant. i have a few relationship problem, which i realised it myself.

Communication : hard to communicate w bf - i have to explain v single details bits to him and sometime he still might not understand, and i vomited blood and decide not to continue my topic. sometime, he asked me the most weird qns and i vomited blood. according to him its communication by asking more

when i was with Past - we can talk everyday without fail. laugh at each other. just like best friend. understood everything that we talk about.

Understanding : i dont really understand him... need to be tested to know what i didnt know. he can read me like 1,2,3

when i was with Past - we read each other like books. i can tell u what epic moment he might do. i remember we used to go skin center for his checkup, he was wearing this "smurfy" shoe covered while talking to the receptionist, i told dad that "he confirmed will forget to take out the cover." i can be fortune teller of his next step. etc

PDA : he's fan of PDA, but he tried to minimise it knowing i dont fancy it.

when i was with Past - i dont rmb us doing lot of PDA but do have cheeky moment.

time frame of the relationship : 1yr2mths - i hate to say this but it felt long..................

when i was with Past - 3yrs 8mths - damn fast.

i felt more in love with Past when i was in a relationship than with Bf relationship even though he treated me so damn well.

there was a couple of time i woke up scaring myself, cos i dreamt of Past. i consoled myself "Things is not gonna be the same again." i know thats not a good signs. i wish i can forget about my relationship with Past but it was something really special to me. its kinda hard when everytime i try very hard to erase my memorizes, it keeps pouring in more.

there's alot of things im keeping it to myself. i dont wanna seem like a stalker, a girl holding on a bottle of naive pasts of memories.

Every xmas reminded me that 2 yrs ago i was at ECP alone waiting for him and he never show up. i still feel the pinch in me.

Every "9" reminded me of the anniversary of the month

gelare reminded me of our waffle date every tuesday

My Hugging Stitch reminded me of long lost Jon/Panda/horse

Me rubbing Eyes reminded me of you knowing that im tired

lotong/surroundeng/ketupat reminded me of your mum's cooking

sleepy smell reminded me of YOU

ETC.

i wish i could tell u how much i still missed being with you. if we ever get together, i promise i would let you down again
i wish i could pass u this jar of heart.but i know its not gonna happen

wrong time right guy
right guy wrong time

at times i feel like giving up on Bf but........im scared i will lost another great man again.

since i dont like to be compared, what the hell am i comparing my Past and Present.
ok, i gotta wake up from my idea *2 tight slaps.

2011-11-26T06:43:00.002+08:00

here i am rotting in my room while the rest of my kakis went club. =)

well, its been a long day. didnt really have a good flight today. i always thought that i will never be the type of Stewardess that breakdown and cry. however today i became one of them =( i thought im always the strong positive tough person at work, i am wronged. i didnt know there's a soft fragile part of me which i can just breakdown. thanks to this career, i learnt to cry in toilet and come out looking im perfectly alright.

i was shocked by how my mental strength can no longer take the type of pressure added on me, i just gotta let go. when i stepped out of my aircraft, straight away my kakis "bluetooth" what i went thru the whole 4hrs flight.

i hated that point of time when i felt so weak n helpless in outstation and im all alone in my room noone to talk to except thru skype. i really need a comforting hug from my bf. it makes me more emotional whenever i felt like crap and cant get wat i needed. i should probably start bringing my stitch around to comfort me if this ever happen again.

i'll be strong again.
i'll pick up the broken pieces and fix it back even if i have to hurt myself. though the scar will be there forever but its the effort,initiative,challenge and patience that will put the pieces together.

2011-11-23T17:44:00.002+08:00

hello waka waka.

anyway, last night my rpting was kinda "EARLY" so free transport was provided. taxi uncle practically "fly" to airport like he's trying to beat his personal record. i reached airport within 22min, my balls shrank thru out the journey. can u imaging the sign of "DRIVE CAREFULLY" appeared more than 5 times?

Reached hotel about 8+am. Bf been buzzing me since i touched down till i reached the lobby like wat im doing now and ltr, half an hour ltr he ask why i have no updates? finally i reply like my plan such as meeting my crews at 1600 to buy drystores and he's not on skype so i cant call thru him on skype. so his reply was he's out for dinner and today in room whole day?

i was kinda pissed in the way that i msg u my plan n you asked agn. oh man i felt like as though i wasted my money replying. seriously!!!! HELLO?! DIDNT U JUST ASKED ME AND I REPLIED MY PLAN?! just referred to the pervious msg duh! Argh! y is it so hard to communicate w him? or is it just a guy thing?

he called after a while i guess of not hearing from me. i chose not to pick up. there's nth to say, the most is "u in room whole day? wat you doing?" that sort of things and i was get pissed farther. so if its really tat important den you will always noe where to find me when im outstation which is on skype right?

anyway i was planning to watch programmes on the tv and the 1st channel was muslim prayer. for close friends tat knows me, it gives me goosebump. weird right?? like as if im a momok. CHOI!!!

this set of crews is really clickable. they were planning to go for drinking/clubbing later. see, this is one of the temptations, i dun mind tagging along to mingle along but i dun wanna create unnecessary argument and i wun wan Bf to do the same back to me, so its better not to. =) my wrist is in pain since before work. i tink i really need to see a sinseh when im back.

Gtg rest a while now. bye!

2011-11-22T01:45:00.002+08:00

hi hello,

i dont noe who i can turn to, so i turn to u, my blog. a personal space to kinda let it all out. u seen me thru my darkest period of my life and now im slowly climbing out. i have so much to say here but i really dunno how to start especially i lost an old closest friend/pillar of support ace listener few years back.

A friend to A Partner and back to Stranger. i stand still to not wanting to know anything about Past, i broke the promise of not axe-ing each other outta our life. i guess it's for the better, it's to avoid any form of misunderstanding and it kinda show me if Past has changed. i guess Past might have contacted me behind his gf back. probably Past thought that im up for the sort of "catching up once a yr thru messaging" thingy that i used to do behind his back. i admit Temptation to reply is calling me over but i stayed firm even though it was just a casual conversation. i choose to ignore. i cannot afford to like his gf to go thru wat ive been thru. though it's nothing sexual so rest ur heart and mind. its really for the best of both world.

Till today i cant find someone like him. i need a listener not a commenter. i understand tat knowing/facing the truth hurt however i just wan to let it all out and case closed.

i tink BF is gonna question me about this entry. i hate the fact of him questioning me after reading. wat i type here, remain here.

My current relationship is 1 of the best tt i had. i felt secured and loved. Thanks to Past, i was train to be independent and not get too clingy to my partner, but unfortunately it wasnt enough. Bf wants me to be not-so-independent, somehow its already in my blood. sometime i get frustrated w myself for not able to understand Bf or communicate w bf as much as i used to understand/communicate w Past. in my heart i'll go like " oh shit! " i wish i can be a better gf to bf and again i felt i am not good enough to deserve him. i failed badly as a gf AGAIN. i ever thought of setting him free not stick around w a failure like me. he deserved someone better than me. Then i realised ive made a HUGE mistake once by letting go of Past and im not gonna let it happen between me n bf. i shld treasure what i have and shut my negative devil off my mind. my "princess mode" have long gone. in this relationship, its like a rehab. i kicked off all sort of temptations and reduced the mistakes that i used to made and be a better person.

however sometime the FREEDOM to meet up w my gf is gone, thanks to the career i sign up for and the relationship that i tie myself to. by the way, im sort of living w Bf now, if we have the same/either off/work we never failed to stay over. Time is precious when both of us fly. this is something i never get to experience, someone who wanna spend as much time as i want. Trust is wat i have in my bf n relationship given so much temptation in airline.

currently, im business-classed probation, work is getting kinda tough on me but i noe i have to keep holding on cos i noe i will make it thru soon. yea, some kinda perseverance that i learnt in track =) i will try to find time to update on the countries i been. im grateful to have the opportunity to fly around and meet some amazing friends along the way.

gonna go Waka-ing tomorrow and SQ12 Narita LA with my boy. 9 days of not being w each other physically can be torturous but thankfully i have something to look forward to.

<3

2011-10-23T02:49:00.000+08:00

im alive and kicking =) stay tuned!

2011-09-11T19:15:00.002+08:00

hey,

i went to Beijing the other day, i slp for about 13hr str8. it was one of the stressful flight because i was acted up to do business class when im not being trained. oh ya! i saw Stefanie Sun!!! wohooo!! such a waste i didnt do anything at all =(

anyway, here in perth! new hotel i heard. walkway kinda scary.... i slp 16hr str8. from 2030-1240 the next day. Subway beside the hotel. i didnt go out one whole day. reaching home tomorrow morning!

tats all for now =)

2011-09-02T05:43:00.018+08:00

Hello!

its been a while uh? This entry might be a long post.

July ive been quite busy. i went to moscow-houston again. Same place but different season. Summer in moscow compared to december when i went there which is FREEZING COLD.

when i was in houston, i didnt shop alot compared to the last 2 State flights. surprisingly, i did not buy any Coach/Kate Spade bag. Things are more or less the same. Back to Moscow, did something different! i went to watch Moscow circus, apparently its 1 of the must-do.

Can you imaging that they actually trained/tortured these animals?

After i came back from Moscow Houston flight, i went for my 3 day off and followed by 9 days leave, oh man, im gonna eat grass. i pax up Auckland and work back to Singapore. I survived a 10hrs flight as a passenger

Recently i reported last minute MC, couldnt leave the bed due to my kneecap injury =( Argh gotta send in report. somehow i feel that in my career, its a crime to take MC if i ever think of promotion.

So after i had my MC, i was Standby Called Up for Taipei. YES!!!! TAIPEI BABY! Been wanting to go there since 5yrs ago finally i got my chance =) happy girl! i can "die" there. I practically "die" eating. went to Shilin Night Market and met up w Estelle to go Ximengding for breakfast and buy my sun cake (a type of pastry) and pineapple tart.

This is my favorite dish of the trip.
The Famous Mee-Sua

Fried Oyster
As you see, its frog egg. hahaha actually its "pearl" w ice and milk.

i was so tempted to get this cover for my iphone but Nigel has already bought 1 for me from taipei as well <3

this frying milk taste crispy on the outside and soft like pudding on the inside

Green tea shaved ice with red bean
this fried chicken store was recommended by one of my crew, it has that type of sweet honey taste compared to the rest of the stores.
this floss crepes was awesome too!
this is where i buy pastries for my family.

i touched down copenhagen yesterday, its about 6hrs behind singapore time. reached hotel took a nap and head out for lunch and Tivoli.

i conquered most of the rides except for 1.

this ride is too extreme for me. didnt have the gut to go for it.

Bye Tivoli!

2011-07-30T01:42:00.002+08:00

im here in Moscow now. start of my longest 8 days trip away from nigel. he was SBCU to perth so left about 1hr15min earlier. he was emotional. 1st time i din know how to react. too be happy or shock. so evil of me.

anyway thing here is exactly the same except that now i can really see the patches of grass whereas the last time was so damn cold and covered with snow.

here's my plan for my trips:

Touch Down: Relax
1clear day: Red square again/red building/circus
Morning: Check - to houston........

Touch down: Galleria
1Clear day: Outlet
Morning/early afternoon: Galleria - off to moscow

Touch down: Rot
1clear day: Rot
Last day : off to singapore........

=)

2011-07-20T06:20:00.003+08:00

how ironic is it? my last entry was Dubai and now im in abu dhabi. im rotting my ass out here. just did a kuwait shuttle. drop dead tired but i cant sleep.

since the last entry i've gone to:

Hospital - boy has to go surgery to remove his cyst on his neck
Gynae - to check out what's wrong w my mense and found out that i have this illness called PCOS, i have cyst in both of the ovaries.
KL during my leave - as though my 4th home, almost every month going back w him
STC - for 330 training, and now im triple fleeted. and i pass my twist!

it feels really good to have someone u love to be beside, wanting to give all the time he/she has to u. what more can i ask? im glad that i totally got outta my shell and finally learn to love again.

Thanks baby. i love u.

2011-06-22T02:21:00.002+08:00

thank god im activated for flight. i cant imaging rotting at home. anyway im in Dubai now. so on the first day we check in, i slp thru the night, woke up in the morning and prepare myself to go out with the crews.

tml going to Dubai Mall, Atlantis and 7 stars hotel. hopefully we have enough time to cover all.

Time Check : Gmt +4

temperature : worse than singapore!

2011-06-12T05:36:00.005+08:00

im still flipping in my bed like "roti prata" there's alot of things racing thru my head and oso my jetlagging is giving me problem sleeping. there's so much to say so little i can do. im glad she finally found someone who she been thru thick n thin. blessing is what i should give but somehow its not coming out thru my head yet. it sucks big time. i wish someone can understand the situation im having now.

2011-06-11T13:13:00.030+08:00

i've been so busy!

after i was back from sydney, the very next day i went for Milan....

first day in Milan, i went to check out A.C Milan stadium. Me, Nu n Faliz were lost for almost 2hr stuck in the same area. concierge told us a different direction and italians mixed it up as well. 1 says left another says right, and it goes on and on~ But at least we found that place.

Present to you San Siro!

Stadium:

Stadium info:

up to 80,000 spectators
home teams : AC Milan and Inter Milan
entrance fee : 10 Euro included museum

FYI : tour guide rushing through. cant walk the whole stadium n changing room. basically just stay 1 spot.

after stadium we went to Duomo. no shopping for me otherwise its a "waste money" trip. Douma AkA Milan Cathedral

So as i was walking pass all the big doors, the sculptures caught my eyes. they're like mini stories of events happened way before. so decided to snap some pictures.

Dinner after Doumo n Window shopping at LV and Gucci.

Day 2 : Venice

this trip consist of the usual 3 of us and additional members like my Chief and her husband and daughter, Paige. Took a metro to centrale FS

look like bullet train from japan.

here's my mini homework that i did when we are on the way to venice.

this picture below look like Universal Studio Singapore.
Masks....

masks...
and more masks............

after looking at those masks somehow it makes me felt like phantom of the opera. she came and sat on my laps asking me to take picture w her

Gondola...

This building below, is where Tourist is shot.

he is damn cute la

Church of St. Mary of Nazareth

i have something to confess...........

remind me of the movie Eurotrip. wahahahahah.

Bye bye Venice! i'll be back. =) wasted that our stay in Italy is too short otherwise we can consider staying in Venice for a night.

London

so i visited Chelsea!

Stadium looks "botak" cos they planting new grasses for new season.

Stadium Info:

41,000 Spect
18 Pound

On the way to Press Room and Changing rooms.

Press room where Chelsea sign new player...

Away changing room

Home changing room

Technique Room

End my day with Mama Mia Musical. my 1st London Musical!!!

only 20pound. cheap like dirt!

2011-05-28T06:57:00.003+08:00

must be wondering why am i up so early?

im in sydney now. suppose to go home ltr however due to change of aircraft, im going home only tml. i've been awake since 0430 (OZ) time which is singapore 0230. Meanwhile, rotting my ass in my room, have to wake nigel up in about an hour time. im heading to the gym to kill time before meeting up with the girls for lunch around 1200 at ichiban boshi just around the hotel. oh ya, i have finished watching The Voice, a singing talent show based on blind audition.

back on my probation, yup its final, i have been extended for another 6mths due to my lapses. yea, feel like shit. in order to move on, i have to keep "syco" myself with positive thought. i have to be extremely careful about my surrounding etc.

im dead tired in a way, i have been consistently working since 2 weeks ago and after every flight im only entitled 1 day off.

manila turn
off
hong kong turn
off
shanghai
off
sydney 2 days
and the very next day, night flight to Milan

tiring~

2011-05-17T23:09:00.008+08:00

starting from where i stop, i went to narita & LA. 1st night in narita, i met up with Jill, a longtime friend for dinner, still as outgoing as usual at least i can throw aside my crew culture. first night in Narita is more like "camp in" because there's flight the very next morning. first day in LA, we went to this sushi lounge-bar concept restaurant.

second day, to factory outlets, here's my part 1 damages.

last day early morning went to nearby South Bay Galleria to do my round 2.

there isnt any nice clothes in VS, however, i died *as usual in A&F*. Didnt take a photo of my damages cos call time soon so i just dump everything in my cargo. oh ya! manage to catch a quick glimpse of hollywood sign after outlet on the way to downtown.

After LA, we flew back to Narita. 1st "night" was just dinner try dis raw egg thingy, im not tt sort who can appreciate raw food but still.....just try and learn from the different culture. i squeeze the rice and gyoza together to wash my mind off the eggy egg.

hachiko and Tokyo Disneyland. it's unlike me to go disneyland given tat im not the girlie girl type, but the thought of stitch together with disneyland n tokyo fit in perfectly. spent a whole day there w my GS, Dannis.

after Disneyland, we head to shibuya for dinner and to look for Hachiko, a famous dog who waited for his owner for 9 yrs after his owner died . the disappointing part was hachiko statute, we walked past it without knowing. i bought a poloraid camera! wohoo!

since that flight, i have been rotting my arse out for the last 6 days? gotta go back work mode later, its gonna be a few tiring flights such as as of today i have

Manila Turn
Off 1 day
Hong Kong Turn
Off 1 day
Shanghai
Off 1 day
Sydney
Off 1 day

and finally Milano,italiano!!!

actually the off 1 day part and such types of flight is killer. but at least i got Milan to look forward to =) i'm suppose to clear my probation in about 2 days time but i'm keeping my finger crossed due to the lapses i "donated". i named myself, "a good example of a bad example" =S i hope nigel can pass his Probation and change flight to be with me.

Time to invest in a DSLR baby! Lets save up so we can buy it during September IT Fair!

2011-05-17T07:27:00.002+08:00

i miss the days when i said i din do anything and ppl can just take my answer and change to a new topic.
i miss the days when i said i did a particular thing and ppl share their opinions and laughed agreeing to the same thinking we shared
i miss the days when i can really communicate w ppl and can tell if they are joking/serious/etc. complicated.

then again, do all these complications start from me?

i need someone who i can communicate with.
i need someone who can accept me being quiet
i need someone who can take my yes, a yes and no, a no.

maybe i shld learn to elaborate my sentence/word. its tiring, i rather remind silent.
if its more simple in a friend2friend communication, i will tell u everything even stuffs tt u wun wan me to do. constant questioning doesnt help, it just make me wanna shut off everything around me and me on my own, runaway.

the only time i have my personal space is when u're not ard. when i can be independent and do what i usually used to do such as hang out w friends, if questioning is to be made, i'll feel tat my space is being robbed. maybe what could have make it better might be "ok sure, dont hang out too late/msg me when u're home."

another stuff i dont really like is tt after ppl read my entry, they ask me, what do i mean? they dunno why i felt tt way. they just have comments which i seriously never feel like answering. i wish they can zip up their mouth. DONT ASK ME. what else do i need to explain further? isnt it so clear cut? i listed down everything here, is u can fulfill it, good for u. if u cant, i cant be bothered too. so whats the fuss about?

space,space,space.......... this is my space. dont rob it, can u???

2011-05-02T18:06:00.008+08:00

let see our last post was 15 apr. i'm gonna roughly continue from there.

went back KL with Nigel, his mum taught me how to bake apple crumbler. after KL came back for my standby duty with nigel together, i got activated for Bali. the next day was my off day so we spend the day together. the next trip was back to sydney. yea, sydney AGAIN. this time i met up w 2 of my primary school mates. yunzhen (she studying in sydney) and bangjie (SQ GS) lotta fun! Dinner was at Hurricane Grill which we had pork ribs, im not a fan of pork however, this is AWESOME.

we decided to go one of the cafe, San Churro for dessert. its like Max Brenner. finally for once i explored bondi beach. i'm going sydney next month if yunzhen is not free to meet me i'll go bondi beach myself.

in between i did few turns.

the last n recent flight was melbourne, somehow, i didnt have the feeling to work. i rmb when we were about to take off from sin, i told my GS sitting next to me " i cant wait to go home " good thing about melbourne is that we can get our free breakfast. i was so damn tired. slept from 10am-2pm when nigel called. i almost overslept to meet my crews for drystore. was down the hotel within 5mins. walk around the town and went to flim making museum, apparently its free. i dont know why but melbourne residents are more weird compared to sydney. anyway, drystore was the last stop, skype with nigel before i turn in early about 9pm since call time is about 7am and i decided to wake up at 0600 to prepare. but........... DAMN! i woke up automatically at 0030, which mean i'm napping! so from 0030, ive been reading my anne frank book, magazine, newspaper and watch Despicable Me. i gave up sleeping since i am so awake, lucky nigel havent go to sleep yet so we skype again. i managed to close my eye at 0600. i was super stoned. went on flight and work my lungs out.

after touching down from melbourne, i rushed to meet nigel cos he's leaving on the same night to Paris. i kinda lost track of the days when my aunt called me to ask my whereabout. i'm supposed to go ah ma place for mothers day celebration on sunday but in my brain i was stuck on saturday, so end up didnt send him to control. the next time i'm going to see him is i think on the 12th. this month roster is like as though we are playing hide and seek, when he's back im gone, when im gone he's back.

so finally im off today, i forced myself to "snooze" longer so i woke up about 1.30pm. waking up and not feel like doing anything except baking apple crumbler. so head down to holland village to get all the ingredients.

apple crumbler, a success. *two tumbs up*

2011-04-15T16:24:00.011+08:00

so i'm back from london. todae is Day 2 of my off. tml gonna go back sydney again. been getting 2 OZ flight per month. i might as well declare OZ my 2nd home. i'm done explaining myself for my late reporting hopefully it wun have my probation extend, i'm keeping my finger crossed. =(

lets enjoy sightseeing of london!

1st stop : Winsor Castle

the exit of the castle....

2nd Stop : Stonehenge

Last stop : The Roman Bath

pls note that the mist u saw at spring overflow and the great bath is actually STEAM!!!

tts all for london. going sydney again tml. this time to meet up w bang jie (crew) and yunzhen (schooling) to go bondi beach! wohoo!!!

2011-04-11T02:18:00.006+08:00

its gonna be a long entry

i got called up for Zurich flight which is same flight as Nigel. been a while since we flew together. the last time that we flew together was almost 3.5mths ago to sydney, we didnt work in the same galley throughout our flight. Zurich stay was short. the touched down day itself, we rested n at night he brought me to Rheinfall. its a super long walk cos we alight at the wrong station. it suppose to look like this.
however by the time we reached, it's already dark. so that the best i can get. here's some info about Rheinfall.

we managed to catch the last train from Rheinfall back to our hotel station.

on the second day which is the clear day we head on to a tour to Lucerne, it was drizzling in the afternoon.

after which we went to Mount Titlis, temperature was -8degree.

here our tour guide, Andy. never have a sink myself in so much snow before. *loves

Lastly to Titlis Glacer Cave

this marked the end of Zurich.

During our off days together, nigel bugged me to bring him to Batam since he never been there. we reached Batam quite late and we intend to go Massage and seafood.

Massage : Isabella

Where: Shophouse along Nagoya Hill

Cost: S$140 for both

Package: Massage, Body Scrub, Body Mask, Ear Candle, Milk Bath

We missed our last ferry back to Singapore. so decided to crash in @ Harris which cost about S$105.

since yesterday, i'm been very unlucky =( now i'm damn stress. i'm late for reporting again. *bubuface* damn! twice! and i have total 3 lapses. 1st - loss of staff ID 2nd- late for Bkk Turn 3rd- Late for LHR

its demoralizing. the thought of probation extend or even terminated. *sigh*

2011-03-30T14:25:00.002+08:00

hello mate!

here i am in Sydney again. my pax loas was so light and not busy at all. very often i ran outta thing to do. since its so light load i decided to try galley work. wowwwwww!!!! now i understand the role of "Galley God" i hope to do more galley work to brush up on all the areas. anyway i reach hotel around 11.30am???? since den i did not slp, well i din slp the whole night till afternoon based on Singapore GMT yet i'm kinda active. went jogging from opera hse to hotel n gym to room and i'm not dead so i had nice bubble bathe. it feels like holiday knowing tat i'm paxing back when the load of the return sector is almost full. i'm trying to stay awake till 10pm OZ time (GMT+11) but i doubt i can survive till that time. ive got myself lotta magazine to read on board. i'm the sort of person tat cant sit still for long and i need to move about so i hope i'm gonna knock out in aircraft.

for now i guess i'm gonna chill in my room =)

Good day mates!!!

2011-03-29T03:41:00.002+08:00

went out w prem n fiefie for seoul garden dinner halfway thru dinner i told em i feel like calling phonelink to check if im am activated for any flight. as u noe by now since its double fleet trained, they kinda like to "advance activate". therefore i decided to call them.

"You have 1 new msg."

argh damn...... yet feeling excited since i cant stand rotting in Sin

and........
YES!!!!!! i'm activated!!!!!!

after dinner we took a short stroll along town, decided to go starbucks and slack till ard 1245am we head hm. packing my luggage and doing my homework at the same time. been 3mths since i went there, worse i been there twice, back to back. i'm not gonna shop anything, just gonna rot in room and miss spending my day there w bf.

hello once again....

2011-03-27T22:08:00.009+08:00

In about 1.5 hr i'm gonna start my 1week of standby. ever since i was double fleet, i have never get away from a standby. nigel is at london now and i spent my whole day at hm. did i mention i got myself a new Macbook Pro? yup. finally. sometime i sit back and wonder what will i do after airline? who can pay me tt amt? who can pay me to travel for FREE?

here's some of the pictures i took :

Sydney....

Shanghai....

Auckland.....

Moscow....

Houston....

Dubai....

Paris....

London.....

Amsterdam....

Many more to come..............

2011-03-26T22:57:00.003+08:00

hi hello.

been a while since i blogged. life had been great. travelling around the globe is AWESOME! i was browsing singaporeair and happen to see that they are hiring again. so probably i can start blogging about some personal experiences/tips/guides or Whatever-you-call-that.

FYI: i tried 2 times, 1st i didnt have diploma yet but still go ahead and try. 2nd, i forgot to bring my certificate for my education, how smart?

alright.... here we go~

First Round:

Line up in a group of 10.

2 interviewers interview each n every single one of you.

they will ask u to do a self intro n they will come out w a topic such as "what is your favourite movie? what is your favourite food? if u have half a million what will u do?"

to me i think this round they based on 1st impression and confidence. so tat in case on board passenger were to throw u tough question, how can u handle it? pls read latest airlines news or latest news about anything n everything.

rmb to give a realistic ans.

after tat they will eliminate.

the rest proceed to waiting corner, have ur weight/height measured and give them ur education certificate

Second Round:

1st:skin test-stand beside a bright light & check ur arm for visible scars

someone will stared at ur skin condition and interview u at the same time. so pls dun think tt u cut bang u can get away w it, cos they will ask u to lift up ur fridge.

2nd:walk from point A to point B

someone will see how u walk; Posture.

3rd:measure weight

this is to check ur BMI. cant be over 22.

from there they eliminate

Third Round: Memory Game & HR interview

basically by then, there will be 8 in a group vs 4 interviewers. they will split into 2 grps frm there u play memory game vs another group. PLS dont get carry away, there's no win or lost. it's how u practice communication,leadership & TEAMWORK in the game. yes, in our industry, these 3 factors are very important.

after game, its a 1-1 interview. but...

1st: passage reading

2nd: interviews...... like why u wanna join the family etc.

FYI - dun bother acting Slang unless u wanna lose ur chance. what i suggest is to be urself and be calm. cos they can tell if u r being natural or not.

Elimination.................

Fourth Round : Kebaya Test & HR interview

Kebaya : Postures & checking of scars

HR : introduction of urself and debating (group of 6)

after u get thru these major round, u r require to summit ur education certificate again. and they will arrange a medical checkup for u.

Medical : Xray

normally some ppl din noe they have crooked backbones or high blood pressure. if u have any of those, u can try to get doctor approval, however the decision is up to the company.

Finally!!!!! the rest of u will be in batches!!!

btw, tat was during my time. i'm not sure if they change any of tt sequence. BE Yourself! good luck!

FYI - are u ready for the change?

1) red nails everyday

2) chop off hairs

3) crew cultures

2011-02-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

i was having a talk w my mum. she told me abt tat time w me n imran tgt sitting at the couch at hm she warned us not to do silly things to hurt each other and how can end a relationship of 3yrs 8 mths end so easily w/o sitting down n discuss to make our relationship works. she emphasis it was my fault due to my heart was unstable and caused my relationship to fail.

it is true.

i dont dare to fall for him deeply cos i used to be in pain and oso the pain we were tgt n hurt each other badly. i was petrified. well, i cant do anything now. both of us have moved on. we were each other past. we will learn to treasure/love/sacrifice for our current bf/gf. we cant afford to let em go thru wat we have been thru. i'm glad we firmly stepped outta each other lives back to strangers. i can tell u r happy n carefree. tats wat i wan. i love u so i must let u go n give u my blessing. =)

for now i cant wait to clear my P-plate n fly w my boy. hand in hand n xplore e world tgt. =)

Back to December-Taylor Swift Lyrics

2011-01-09T22:41:00.000+08:00

2010-12-16T00:12:00.002+08:00

going to Auckland ltr.

Zoukout just passed and i spent my night @ DPS aka Bali, creepy hotel =s

Zoukout seeing the guy tat i loved left partying flinging, i tried to block off tt memory at DPS but it kept flowing in.

den next Xmas is arriving, flashblack of last yr xmas, he was at his friend place and choose to be w his fling n shut off the phone, i was at ECP alone.

den come New year in abt 2weeks, 1yr ago, i was at ECP alone again. wishing he will be there by my side.

then i realised how much i dislike Zoukout, xmas and New year. exactly 1yr ago my nightmare started. depress,depress,depress........... i was so pathetic. tsktsktsk....

here i am now, in a relationship w a new guy. Xmas i'm on standby, he's gonna be w me and NewYear at Houston. wohooo~! keep myself busy and stop tinking abt the past.

i'm glad imran moved on w his career and life, in tat way i can move on too.

To imran:

u might/might not know tat i've moved on w someone new, and i cant care less if u have someone in mind or watever. selfish to say, i still miss u since tat day i made stupid mistake n decision. sound silly here, but u r irreplaceable so i'll always hide u deepest down my heart pocket. i love u.......but in a different way........

2010-12-04T11:14:00.002+08:00

i lost my discipline to blog =(

so far i'm still surviving in the airline industry... i'm starting to love my career..... yes career! not a job. dis career can says to be the best job ever cos u dont have to bring ur work home. and eat the HUMBLE PIE!

heading to beijing ltr. cant believe its been 7 yrs since i last went there =)

Ni Hao!

2010-11-07T23:57:00.001+08:00

thank god i'm in airline. a great way to runaway.

2010-10-17T23:21:00.001+08:00

Shit happens. The right one will stays.

it's a relieve to let everything go and let nature take it course.

2010-09-29T20:30:00.003+08:00

time to let go.

i am not prepared to stuck w man tat isnt frank w me.
i am not prepared to stuck w man tat dont know y he do hurtful thing to me.

maybe the right one will stick w me thru thick n thin.

yet, i'm still here w open arm, maybe i get ur meaning of losing trust.

mamat, i love u still but in a different way now.

trying to move on.....

2010-09-13T18:29:00.001+08:00

u r the first person tat i wanna see. but i noe it's not possible.

2010-09-02T21:41:00.001+08:00

If i were to be given a second chance, i will not screw up let alone break your heart. i will be damn fucking serious.

even though, i noe i have no chance.

2010-08-30T22:36:00.003+08:00

for some reasons, i'm back feeling emo again. i have been trying my very best to climb up, yet again i fell. i wanna find close frens to tok, but it always end up e same things.

I miss my bubu.

he moved on xtremely well, whereas for me, nahx. i'm still stuck here. i love being in pain. i learn the hard way to be immune to it. i followed my heart, Wait.

maybe one day he's gonna turn ard
maybe one day he will never turn ard

1 thing i'm sure of:

i love u still though u feel nth for me..... pls turn ard again, i wun disappoint u anymore.

i believe i deserve everything u have done to me.

2010-08-27T23:45:00.002+08:00

i'm getting emo. it's eating me up, and now i'm trying to brush it off. rahhhhh.

1) ah gong "3rd yr death anni" - i miss him, i do, i cant forget how he passed on. it will forever mark in my brain tat, tats the beginning of me ruining my rs.

2) imran - yup, silly me still waiting for him though i noe there's 0 chance of being back tgt. i miss him alot. i do. someone special to me. someone i loved the most and hurt the most. not proud of wat ive done.

omg,omgomgomg. must be too much free time bringing me down.

2010-08-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

i miss u bubu

2010-08-18T00:41:00.001+08:00

That's what I'm afraid of... not being enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough..

2010-08-12T02:24:00.003+08:00

was freaking surprise when u came to my shop on my 2nd last day. to tink of it "we bump to each other at city hall again" dis time i'm still the same, always is but u, u changed. hahaaha so high class now. why bother to come tok to a low class person like me?

anw in order to follow ur instruction to fuck off from ur life i decided to leave my 3yrs job. tough decision. job make me tink of u. so i'm officially outta crabtree. i need to leave w/o a trace of where i am going. staying here is not helping me.

see him flings/get attns/tryin to get attns from girls all ard, he got it. he knows he has what it takes.

me, being e sour grape cant stop checking him out, feeling pain, desperately need to go. i dont wanna be the type of girl tat goes "gaga" over him. i dont wanna be like them. i dun wanna be a spare tyre, a fling,bitch.

i need a man who doesnt just wants a relationship.
i need a man who i wanna settle down with. stability.

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?

2010-08-11T04:08:00.000+08:00

Glad to see u on my 2nd last day. In order to fuck off frm your life like u requested,i choose to immgrate outta here.

2010-08-11T02:03:00.002+08:00

so here, i forsee myself when he asked for forgiveness frm his parent.

Him : sorry mum n pap for not spending enough time at home. sorry for being with kaini for the past years.

Parent : exactly, so dont go back to her.

2010-08-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

i'm dead tired.

2010-08-05T03:00:00.001+08:00

When someone lies to u, it's not his/her fault. Actually its urs bcoz you didn't give him/her the proper space to tell the truth.

Anyway 6 days left at crabtree. I can't wait to get lost from dis singapore island and not come back anymore . Its my turn to run away from this painful place w so much bad and beautiful memorises. A island I screwed up my rs. A rs my bf wun standby me. A rs tat I fought hard. A rs tat was judged by countless of ppl. A rs tat we laugh thru n cried thru. I got myself to depend on.

2010-07-25T06:27:00.000+08:00

Lying down my bed, look at my BB wallpaper finally can't fight back my tears anymore. It keep pouring down. I made a mess of my "perfect" relationship w my Best Boyfriend. The biggest mistake I made in my life to let him go. I miss u.

2010-07-19T16:10:00.001+08:00

I wish you the best with your new love, doesn't mean I've stopped loving you, or that I'll move on now.

2010-07-15T02:16:00.001+08:00

I'm leaving. I push myself outta my comfort zone. Its scary not knowing wat lay ahead of me when I dun have someone I love to guide me. I'm glad he opened up to accept new gal. At least someone smarter and noe wat to do abt her life and most importantly I tink its same culture. Certainly tink it will work out for the both of em. Anyway, thinking back, I realised I'm a stubborn goal getter piglet, when I wan certain thing, I make sure I get it however most of the time I don't get it right. Let's take driving as example I took abt 5times to pass. I'm really e slow kinda creature, same goes for love. I'm slow in growing up, slow in understanding. I hope I'll improve.

Gotta be happy for em!

Still standing by the words I tell u.
Do you want the truth? Or the little white lie that makes you happy?

2010-07-12T23:39:00.002+08:00

2 weeks of not seeing each other, 3 days of not contacting.

truth is : Every "perfect" relationship/marriage, there's a loophole. The end of the day, it proves how strong the bonding between each other.

too bad my bonding wasnt strong enough.

it feel like as though A is falling down to a hole, B try to grab hold of A so A wouldnt fall off. one end B is trying so damn hard but A choose to let go. why A didnt try hard enough? Risk it, who knows A wouldnt fall. 50/50.

2010-07-06T22:59:00.002+08:00

i'm not stupid to scew my relationship which i try to build it single handed.
i put lotta hard works in it.

but end up :

ZERO.

2010-06-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

baby, i miss u.

2010-06-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

You will never pick up my call.
you will never reply me.
you will never be proud of me.

i was never important since day 1.

2010-06-22T15:14:00.000+08:00

I miss my bf. Wat can I do?

2010-06-22T01:35:00.004+08:00

i agree w her tat bf is sometimes NATO type.

so i manage to convince myself tat he's "away" in a plane/country w/o auto roaming no webcam. it's a test for me. i can go thru it.

its waffle day today! gelare waffle half price! as usual, he said he's gonna bring me go eat waffle a week b4, but TRUST ME, BULLSHIT! he's not gonna bring me eat cos obviously i've been forgotten and he cant be bothered to contact me despite how bz/tired he is.

anyway, i'm debt-free, cant imaging getting 2 letters from 2 companies sending me RED LETTER threaten me using Legal Action. yup, settled it once n for all. wanting to ask help from bf but i am banned or most likely to be ignored by him so i decided not to ask him for help. not very nice to ask help from my friends either as none of us earn tat much to lend me tat much.

there's some movies coming up and i seriously wanna watch w him but maybe i end up buying dvd watching alone

1) Eclipse
2) IP Man 3
3) Knight & day
4) Mamaduke

Is it true tat the longer our relationship, the less "we" will form a sentence and end up there's more "me" and "you"?
gonna turn in soon, working morning shift later.

2010-06-20T22:31:00.002+08:00

i had this exact feeling of feeling abandoned. i used to stand there waiting but end up got away due to temptation n lack of attn but i noe i had lotta love b4.

but now it's worst.

as usual i stand there waiting n still waiting, this time going thru w zero love, zero attn n zero concern.

2010-06-19T11:15:00.003+08:00

I miss u though u don't.

On a lighter note I thought thru. Who can be more fortunate than me?

I have a bf who will not give a damn abt anything
I have a bf who don't know my presence
I have a bf who treat me more like a friend than a gf
I have a bf who can't msg me a simple msg
I have a bf who give me lotta freedoms
I have a bf who living in single
I have a bf tat can't commit in our relationship
I have a bf who believe there isn't a need to update abt himself
I have a bf who will not miss me
I have a bf who does not love me

0 sex life
0 commitment
0 communication

"he's too busy studying for upcoming exam.", i tell myself

Still I'm madly in love w dis guy. loves.

PS. not an angry post.

2010-06-19T00:29:00.001+08:00

There's so many barriers to have you. Such a pity i'm not the one you love.

2010-06-16T00:13:00.002+08:00

mum toking abt family issues. its kinda freaking/stressing me out, i keep quiet and let mum say since she has noone to tok to. i'm having flu.

i need a really nice warm hug.
"must wait till next week"

i need a listening ear.
"he wouldnt pick up YOUR CALL. plus no time to entertain small issue. u tink u r one of those important girls mehx?"

well, i admit i need a "secure" him though it will never happen.
"its gonna be ok. he's just not into u anymore. slowly take ur time."

here's today topic:
can we measure love? how do we know we have the right amount of love?

how deep is love? how long is love? how much is love? we cant measure it yet, we just it like a kind of excuses/expression we use. sentences like "he/she is too good for me." or "he/she/i love him/her/u so much."

i used to think bubu love me too much and he's too good for me. but now, i tink bubu dont love me and i'm never good enough for him. my old fear came back and hit me hard once again tat i'm never good enough for him. y am i feeling no love from him? y do i feel like he doesnt care for me? am i thinking too much? i tell myself "things change." i love him, he doesnt love me, wat can i do? Now i tink bubu love me too little.

see, u get wat i mean? how can i measure it? i really dont know. why do i/ppl often feel that too little love or too much love? i concluded maybe i'm a selfish bugger, its never enough. its never just right. tink about it. or is it just me?

2010-06-12T22:07:00.003+08:00

Aft 3 good wks of not touching it, I broke it 2 days ago. I am still stress n bothered by the words she says. Source of comfort wasn't there. Gotta learn to be independence I told myself. I'm fortunate to have him. I was tinking aft 2 whole day.

in order to sustain a relationship does it requires terms and conditions or shld I say EXPECTION?

I have a bf who I love a lot, a bf tat is too gd for me, a bf who I chased very hard for, a bf who I strongly believe I wanna be with for the rest of my life aka The One. To some maybe I sound native here however to some maybe u feel "omg kaini u finally know how to think" or etc. Here's a brief description.

Example : he doesn't has the habit to report every single movement of him. He says he will msg me when he end work. But end up he didnt.

Expectation : wants him to update me his whereabout as often as he is free or he remembers

Action : I have to msg him to ask his whereabout. treat it he is too tired to remember to do these lil things. he is too tired to move his fingers. he dozed off in train n bus due to he is too tired. he dont have e habit to.

Example : Shopping spree / movies / dinner

Expection : he will definitely make it.

Action : keeping my finger cross all the times. must have other more important commitments tat need his attn. there's always next time.

Example : checking out my phone many times / waiting for call meant to be mine hopefully is him

Expection : come on, pls call me when u free

Action : D=deliver;msg not read R=read. ok, he read the msg oready. he's too busy to reply. he cant reply. he dint check his phone.

Example : hoping he will date me out

Expection : u free tonight/tml? (whenever)

Action : are u free after work? do u have any program?

Example : (names he called me) Hey / Bubu

Expection : baby / dear2

Action: Dream on, he will never call me tat, wakie wakie~

Example : will try to work it out, dont rush thing, take it slow

Expection : heart to be open up

Action : trying but progressing ultra slow.

Example : cute butterflies lingering around him flood with comments everywhere

Expection : hey girls, i'm happily attached, my gf doesnt like it.

Action : he gives his best attn to em. tell myself, i'm hidden what can i do? friend only scare for what?

Example : i have to be hidden

Expection : Change Fb DP to me n my boy pic, Status : In a relationship. i'm back on with her, she's e right person for me. i love her. i have confidence in my relationship w her.

Action : Remain Hidden. Dont rush things. hoping everyday tat one fine day he will show me off/ready to disclose/proud to have me.

Example : Club

Expectation : bring me along

Action : cant go/friends hate me/cant drink/stay home

Example : Take the lead

Expectation : Take the lead, i wanna be a girl.

Action : sit back n relax till grow white hairs. slow down. be understanding. tink positive.

see? these are the expectation which i kinda set but i know it can never be fulfill. he might feel i ctrl him which i dont wan to. therefore personally i'm thinking of solution how to improve my RS w zero expectation. have u ppl out there facing the same problem like expecting too much from our love ones? are we expecting too much expectations tat we might suffocating our love ones?

2010-06-10T15:23:00.001+08:00

Maybe I shldnt have made tat call if I knew the random things ones can ask. I felt a slap on my face but I zip up. guess this is just the start of the "slapping" issue.

I gotta go thru it myself since I can't go thru it w bubu cos i dont wanna stress him out if he's not ready for it or maybe he's unsure of fighting it with/for me. I gotta go face my own shitty mistake myself. It can be a mind wrecking thingy.

It's life, Once u make a major mistake, u get judged. When u decided to turn over a new leaf, people judged again and start to have doubt. Maybe its e betrayal of trust issue here. friends or love ones can help u get over those nasty comments or judgements however by the end of the its all up to ur mind how u gonna handle it emotionally.

Yes, I may put up a brave front n just treat it as it is, admit my mistakes but I have this guilt feeling in me. do u ppl noe? its one of the fucking mistake tat i screw up everything, i ruined it single handed.

everyone made mistakes. relationship is like an exam, an exam tat require u to be prepared, an exam tat u burn midnight oil for, by the end of the day, wats ur result? Pass or Fail? while doing papers, u dont expect to get 100% all right unless, u r genius. u make mistakes dont u? do u learn from tat mistake? i'm trying to avoid tt mistakes tat i did. i wanna pass it so badly.

there's one part of me i hate myself, even my love ones hate it including bubu. when i noe its a wrong ans i never fail to do it again n fail it. a very stubborn part of me. i'm trying to change it. i will learn to listen.

2010-06-09T21:10:00.000+08:00

I wish I am a hardcore drinker. At least if there's nth left to do I can say "bubu, u wanna go for a drink?"
I wish I was a hardcore clubbing. At least I can say "bubu let's go butter fact."

Too bad I'm nor tt sort of girl.

Wats the role of a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife? Will these role become a jobscope for the partner? Is relationship a companionship or a job with contract?

2010-06-09T17:24:00.004+08:00

maybe one day when i'm exposed, things wun get so flirty =)
maybe one day when i'm exposed, i can earn back my basic respect.
maybe one day when i'm exposed, i get basic privileges.
maybe one day when i'm exposed, i wun get to call "hey"
maybe one day when i'm exposed, i will get to be a girl, my boy will do small small thing for me, pick me up, bring me out, plan the things to do.

dream on kaini! i have to be hidden. LOL

but still i noe i get higher privileges now.

so maybe i shld stop whining n zip my mouth. its selfish and stupid if people change to be like me. Impossible.

although, they are some small minor setback issues, i'm still glad to be sticking around u. i must learn to be less jealousy, more flexible, more open bahx.

i used to use e words "bo chup" guess cos i wasnt left with much feeling back then. yes, i feel like using tat words but i'm in ctrl, i wun be astray, i will stand firm here. no 2nd mistake made. must learn to accept which i nvr did b4.

4yrs 3mths bubu.

2010-06-07T22:05:00.001+08:00

Here's the things i realised i need if im entering property,

1st - camera
2nd - laptop

gonna go click out how much does all these sum up to and start saving!!

i wanna be a girl tat to be lead by u

2010-06-04T20:39:00.001+08:00

Attentions run in ur blood. I wish I can be like u. Club till there's nth called stop even though ur heart might have some part me.

I used to club a lot till my old bubu wants to brk up with me. How ironic, its bubu's turn to club now. Knowing tat I don't have e right to voice out my opinion or feeling I choose to keep my mouth shut. I have to wait for him patiently. Maybe its so called work hard play hard, is it too hard tat it will eventually become unstoppable? I don't know the ans to this. We will able to go thru one of this problem if I wasn't hidden. But it might means to him zero fredoom which I don't wan him to tink tat way. Inner "man" is unleashing outta me but I tell myself I really wanna be a girl to be pampered to be care for to be guide to be lead.

Love u bubu. I hope u do.

本来不觉得你特别疼我
直到你不再疼爱我以后
已经过去不会再庇护我
本来不觉得你特别疼我
直到你放弃爱我以后

来不及了对不起长大太慢
抱歉让你白费了这么多

2010-06-01T02:12:00.001+08:00

I change my fb rs status. We decided for now we're just gonna be low profile. if u r so eagar to find out who is he aka MR Superman pray hard u will bump into on street which I don't there's a chance to as we're both v bz at work. Don't be mad w us getting tgt. U might not like it due to the fact I was once e pain. I vow to be e comfort.so long 2 ppl in love is happy I guess it doesn't affect much ppl unless u worry too much abt us. This is the last n final chance. This will works out. U have my words. .

I love him still.
He's e right one.

2010-06-01T02:12:00.000+08:00

2010-05-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

not trying to seek any attn. but i think i need someone to care for me now. i'm in pain. my tummy hurt!!!!!!!

2010-05-26T00:45:00.001+08:00

love u, cuteass. though u dont feel e same

2010-05-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

Ppl asked "why chase him back when u give it up first?"
I will ans "cos he's the right one tat I wanna settle down with someday " I nvr feel so right n confident abt my ans. Too bad the other party is halfhearted abt me. I don't agree tat its a waste of time. Tats e truth. I love him tats y I fought so hard to make it work. I wanna give it a last shot n do my very best to make things work out for e better for us.dis major mistake really woke me up.

2010-05-18T23:20:00.002+08:00

its weird hearing u call my name but still i'll try to adapt to it.

somehow i hate myself for entering tat industry. i'm stuck.

2010-05-17T00:34:00.000+08:00

I miss u. Tats y I swing by. 2wks not u not slping over, 3 days since I last slp w jon,panda n hippo felt really weird. I miss em all. Been w me for few yrs. I miss u still but I don't know if u feel e same.

2010-05-12T22:26:00.003+08:00

I wish I could draw the line and just say I love you and that would be enough to solve everything that is wrong with me, you, her, him, them, us, forever. But I can't. And I explored too deep and dark inside of myself that I got lost,this is how I have deteriorated from myself and I suppose it's all my fault. This room is too small to fit the thousand different versions of myself and I. i'm tired. i wish u r still the one to see the original version of me once again, but u cant.

for the last 5mths, i'm living in mental n physical stress. i'm really tired i need to relieve it. i hate my life. i really do. i nvr been happy. do u feel it? i found my medicine but somehow it has no effect.

i hate myself for losing you.
i hate my life.

quote of the day - "Understanding is but the sum of all our misunderstandings"

Still longing for u, though u dont need/want me anymore

2010-05-10T22:52:00.002+08:00

if i'm still ard u, u might feel like i'm bugging u.
if i'm still ard u, u wouldnt feel a single thing abt me.
if i'm still ard u, i'll be a burden to u.

And I know I never told you,
That I love you,
Now its all too late.
And I don't know how to hold you,
But I want to

Well I'm here if you need me,
I know you don't believe me.
well I'm so sorry,
For all the pain I've caused.

i'll be gone, maybe tats when i wun feel pain.

Bye.

2010-05-09T22:58:00.004+08:00

dinner w/o u sucks. "why both so close? look like they r in rs." , " own bf oso dont know how to handle must be u itchy agn. "

Wtf. yes me.

i dont know how to handle my own guy tat i let it slip away. happy?
i chase for him but he no feeling for me. happy?
i end my unfinish business completely for the sake of the both of us but he's not coming back. Happy?
i need to tok to him as he's e only one tat calm me but i cant. happy?
He is gone, happy?

i miss him and theres nth i can do. NOTHING!
i wanna get over him n i cant! CANT!
he's not any other guys i ever dated, he's different.

afterall , i'm just a friend.

i'm such a loser.

3yrs 8mths i tie his life down. he could be happier w/o me right?
he is very happy now. without me. Alone.

2010-05-09T11:09:00.000+08:00

Happy mothers day.

Its another 9th. 9th tat I risk a friendship for a rs. If I'm still here w u I probably goes like "baby, happy 4yrs 2mths anniversary! Hahaha u lost! Try next mth." Now its different. I can only thoguht to myself. Loser huh? I miss slpy blanket, half year of not smelling u. Knock out within 5min. Dis 9th might or might not means anything since there's no feeling involve in u but dis 9th keep playing our first date in my head. Suntec to taka to ecp to hm. U mention "I never hold a girl hand b4" silly but heartwarming remark. Im still not over w it. How to move on? I did for 1mth straight aft I left but I'm not happy, I'm not me. I lost it.

2010-05-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

Its 9th once again but dis 9th seems like nth to u.

2010-05-07T23:02:00.004+08:00

recently there's a girl who committed suicide at 4am i tink at toh guan or ang mo kio. rumours tat she committed suicide due to relationship. some feel tat she one stupid girl, some no comments, some ke lian her. have u ppl ever thought of y she do tat for love. Love makes people do crazy things. i saluted her for being daring. i couldnt bring myself to jump down such a high level. if i could i would. the reason is cos losing someone who u put all ur heart, love, attn n care leave, its like ripping out a body part of me. yes many might say, can find a better ones, why go die? but do u ppl ever fell deepest in love with someone tat its just too painful to let it go, sometime i hope for e rewind button but no, i cant find it. being alive is as good as being dead. too bad for us tat the person we love dont love us tat much, too bad for us tat we dont have a rewind button for us to make things better. its too bad. they will nvr understand. i dont mind dying, i'm worst than dying, i need a second chance but i cant earn it. i tried but i cant get it.

i fell into this deep pool, i wish u were there again to push me up " faster swim to the shore! ". this time i really drowned myself. i need u to guide me still.

u mentioned i'm controlling ur life, u wanna live ur life w/o ppl telling u wat to do. n i planned everything w/o asking u first. now tat u tell me, i'm wrong.

u slpover cos i want u to not because u want to. yes i was wrong. i'm just tired of mind games, i tot by being straight forward helps, but i was wrong. how i wish u could have tell me on the spot how u feel rather than keeping it to urself, for tat i'm wrong.

u wan ppl to see who u really r, someone who is fun, i'm not controlling tat freedom.

u r used to being by urself not reporting strength. e last time u did tat was last october. ok, i missed tat, i miss u reporting strength but tat not u anymore. u like being alone. i just wanna be by ur side to carry some of ur weights for tat i was rejected.

u said u tried, but when asked if u took a step, u said u dont wan. is tat really try? u try to spend time w me, watch movie tgt, slpover, just abt the feeling. feeling is not there. ouch!

u tried for the sake of trying, not opening ur heart to try. wat i can is tat period of time u were w me, i see some old bubu in u, but the fact is he's not ard anymore. this is the fact u want me to wake up to rite?

u told me u feel sadly uncomfortable if u were to report strength cos it's fake.
i cant stop tinking everything is fake such as being w me, hold me,hug me is fake, u say u tried.but by the end of the day feeling is not there. how to have feeling if u were a hermit crab tat dun wanna step out there.

why listen to me n stop contacting her when u no feel for me?
why tell me u miss me when u no feel for me?
why tell me u still like me when u have no feel for me?

i dont get it. i really dont. i'm not forcing it. u r just a habit i cant seems to kick away whereas i'm just a dirt u can sweep away.

i just chasing for a man who i love and see myself settling down with one day, tat person is u, tat explain the silly me holding for so long. it's worth it. but to u i'm just a HI-BYE girl back in raffles city.

2010-05-06T05:21:00.000+08:00

Have u chase for someone who play hard to get? I'm tired of chasing officially. It will never be the other way round.

2010-05-05T02:40:00.003+08:00

2 yrs of no-choice-ns n 5 yrs of chasing-your-goal sum up to i might have to wait 7 yrs for u. to me i tink dis is the first time i ever waited for someone which i am seeing myself settling down one day. its worth it. totally.

many tells me which helped open up my native brain says " in ur 20s to 25, its prime period, a period which u make mistakes and learn and pick from there can crave a career outta it. 26 to 30, the years u must be stable n hopefully settle down w someone u love. " recently, my Assistant manager tells me, "kaini, if u didnt find a stable career by 26, its gonna be very hard." it scares the hell outta me n include what my mum ever told me, seriously, it scares me to see u getting nth by the end of the day if money is really wat u gng for. a price to pay.

yet, i was reading this book which my friend gave me, MONEY CAN BRING ONES HAPPINESS. MONEY IS EVERYTHING. painful truth. i thought abt it when i was going to work, i finally understand what is it all abt, i understand wat make u work so hard. i do.

what is the price to pay?

i shldnt be pessimistic, i shld be optimistic and be supportive if it bring us a stable live. like some chinese saying "bitter first follow by sweetness next." i hope i am able to brainwash myself using tat, i hope someone can assure me tat cos i cant seems to accept what im consoling myself. i need assurance and importance from u. pls do something. dun dilly dally oready, running outta time.

Jia you kaini! u can do it!

2010-05-04T02:31:00.000+08:00

I'm so gonna save up for aircon. Recently the weather at night is killing me. Its so fucking humid till I have to on 2 fans in order to feel cool. I'm slpy but I can't slp

2010-05-01T23:22:00.001+08:00

tml dinner, will it be a disappointment? i'm off the the next 3 days with no plans ahead. i wanna go tanning n prepare myself. first day at NAC nvr brrn so tired b4.

2010-05-01T01:44:00.000+08:00

How badly do u wanna make things work out for us? Ever asked urself? U don't want it as badly as me. Therefore u might not understand

2010-04-30T22:11:00.000+08:00

I'm otw hm now. I can't help but think. What the difference between wanting more attention from ur other half and wanting more concern from other half. Am I even one of e half? To him I'm e type who needs lotta attentions. To me I need more of his concerns. Who's right n who's wrong? Maybe its not a right or wrong thing. Maybe its e way how each actions display different type of "languages' tat ones mistaken. Who do u tink?

2010-04-30T02:22:00.002+08:00

somehow, when i was running in the gym, i couldnt stop but think tat i'm just one of the many flings who wan to be w u but yet got rejected due to u do not wanna get into a relationship. there's nth u can do to make things work out.

2010-04-27T15:18:00.002+08:00

i dont know how to express how i feel now. everything is a click away here's a few examples i wish it can be done but it kinda take forever? maybe i need to give him more time? maybe after all its really difficult for him.

Pictures
If its on phone, just click delete
if its on FB, just untag

SMS - (i dont really noe how but here's my way)
"My BF n I feel that you are a threat to our relationship, so i feel we shld stop contacting wef of today. thanks for everything. take care"

does all these require lotta courage? does all these take up few weeks?

i really dont know. Pls enlighten me

2010-04-24T14:44:00.001+08:00

2010-04-24T13:51:00.000+08:00

i hope to snuggle to u tonite =)

2010-04-21T20:12:00.000+08:00

I lost someone who has been w me for almost 3yrs. 3 yrs of joy,4 yrs of dec. She's gone to a brand new environment wef 23th. I'm definitely gonna miss her. All her craps. Soon its gonna be my turn leaving my another close partner behind. Its so different. I don't feel good. How many ppl must I lost? Thanks for all the beautiful memories all the teaching all the naggy all e illegal action. He gone missing too, he needs time alone I guess but tat doesnt stop me from thinking he's out w her. I gotta trust him. He says he will handle it. Will see. When will it be official? When can we get immuned to e temptations outside us? U understand how I feel but y u do things lidat again?